And They All Lived There
by Homeslice
Summary: In which they all live in Madoka's house, and none of them know why. [Ban is an asshole.] OOCness, probablybad humor, crack


1Disclaimer: I do not own Get Backers.

Summary: In which they all live in Madoka's house, and none of them know why. Ban is an asshole.

- - - -

"That's my great grandparent's wedding scotch." says Madoka, as she hears the cabinet roughly opened and then slammed shut again, decidedly lacking of the previous bottle inside of it, it's missing-ness detected by the sliding sound of it against the wood.

It is in Ban's hand, and he's preparing to drink it.

"It's older than you." she adds. "It's over one hundred years old."

Ban makes a loud, rasping, dismissive noise low in his throat that sounds somewhat like a growl and Madoka can hear the cork being unceremoniously popped out, "Whatever.", and the sickening chugging sounds of expensive alcohol being drained down the man's throat.

It is probably more than Ban has gotten for all of his retrieval missions put together-, but Madoka chooses not to say this because she is a smart girl and knows that the man can not be pulled away from something he has set his eyes on, e_specially _when to him, Madoka is just some stranger who happens to be in the same house as him (_hers_), and who is blind.

End of story.

The night begins somewhere at this point, where Ban has drained all of the scotch in the bottle, and promptly drunkenly smashes it against the corner of where two walls meet behind him.

Madoka jumps at the shattering sound, and knows that later, she will probably regret not lunging blindly (no pun intended), and snatching the alcohol from Ban's hands.

She brushes a little invisible dust from her skirt and sighs.

- - - -

It is probably not a good idea, however amusing, to watch an already drunken Ban stumble his way around her house and search for more alcohol.

Just like it is probably not a good idea to have The Jackal wandering pleasantly around her home, most likely ready to kill someone, no matter the person, as soon as he is alone with them and the majority of people are out of sight (she makes a mental note of this, and inches closer to Shido).

It is also probably not a good idea to have Himiko, Emishi, Ban, Ginji, Kazuki, and Juubei stumbling around her house, and it is most definitely not a good idea to not have any clue of why they're there in the first place, and also not having any clue as to their potential in completely destructing the building.

Kazuki is swaying around the room with a glass of punch, decidedly able to be mistook for drunk if only for the fact that Madoka knew precisely that Ban had already consumed all of her stores of alcohol. "_I'm _Mido Ban-sama, look at my stoner glasses and baggy space pants. Oh LOOK, I have business shoes and a hippie shirt, I'm not tacky at all. Watch me lapse around an innocent girl's home innocently taking her innocent innocence as I innocently drink all of her dead grandparent's scotch."

Juubei blinked.

Emishi laughed to try and disguise himself into the crowd but this was noticed, however, because the room had gone completely silent with Kazuki's remarks. Emishi had somehow managed to wedge himself in between the stiffly sitting Shido and Madoka, who was trying to stay as close to Shido as possible and, as Ban would say, 'stick to him like a fly on shit'.

Exactly one moment later she realized _why _Emishi was acting so strangely, when a drunken Ban half-ran, half-crawled into the room spouting random nonsense (in a voice that was most definitely not his inside voice (if she had told him this, she got the distinct impression he would yell something along the lines of 'I don't have an inside voice!'), and included something about 'Ginji, blah, blah, Emishi, blah, blah, dead, blah, Fudou, blah, scroungy idiot'), and walked straight up to Emishi.

And vomited on his shirt, right down the front.

Shido was kind enough to reach over Emishi's shoulders at precisely the right time and scoot Madoka a few inches over so that she was out of range of the 'projectile'.

Projectile vomit was most definitely not a good thing.

Emishi looked as if he was torn between bawling over dramatically, or punching Ban in the face. Shido had a hand up to his head and was rubbing his temples. Madoka herself was blinking dazedly at one spot or another in front of her, and wishing that she could wake up and ask herself why in the world she'd had such a strange dream, and then punish herself for ever thinking up something like it, even unconsciously, with locking herself up in her room and practicing her violin until her fingers bled, or something similar.

It was silent for a moment, before the quiet was broken with Kazuki's voice starting up once again. "But of course no one bothers to hate innocent, innocence-snatching _me _because I look like a man. Oh haha, Thread-spool, you're such a woman. Everyone _hates_ you."

Kazuki actually appeared to be getting very into it, until a frustrated Shido's voice darkly snapped the patience-testing impersonation (a patience which Shido, by this, clearly didn't have). "No, everyone hates you because you do shit like _this_, Kazuki."

Kazuki's mouth snapped shut and he crossed his arms, taking the remaining steps to the statue-still Juubei in the corner.

Madoka breathed a sigh of relief.

Everything carried on– Himiko looking sadly down at her glass of punch like she _wished _it were alcohol, because the 'party' or whatever it was sucked and goddamnit-she-_needed_-to-get-wasted, Akabane smiling pleasantly as he carried on a mostly-dead (or dead from the beginning, same difference) conversation with a too-frightened-for-words Ginji, Juubei and Kazuki standing stiffly in the corner (Kazuki with one hand on hip), and Ban (still) searching for more liquor (and failing– Madoka insisted on keeping the minimum of alcohol in her house, only having the ancient, wedding or other important events alcohol).

Madoka distantly heard Emishi lightly creeping away from in between them– Shido didn't hear, because he was too busy rubbing the bridge of his nose and mumbling something or another (probably cursing 'that snake bastard'...or something).

Far off in the other room, the clothes washer was heard opening, and one sparkly, bright Emishi-shirt dropped inconspiciously to the bottom, before the washer was heard closing again.

Oddly enough, no one asked Emishi why his shirt was gone. Or why he was giggling into his hands (maybe he did that a lot).

Later, Madoka believes that not keeping Shido's earlier-that-day idea of buying a leash (or a collar with a bell on it) for Emishi was one of many mistakes.

- - - -

Madoka woke up with drool spread all over her collarbone, and a sleepy Emishi snoozing away, head on her shoulder. Like with many of last night's events, she didn't question it.

There was an assortment of sleeping men and women (women, questionably) across the room, and one unconscious Ban.

A flustered maid was in one corner, hurriedly sweeping up a broken, upturned bowl of chips that had also been scattered across the floor and, at one point, must've been crushed under someone's foot and embedded partially in the carpet.

As Madoka told one maid to start breakfast, she turned towards the first maid in the corner and resignedly told her that was no use in trying to clean and to wake everyone up and order them to strip off their clothes and put them in the washing machine.

A couple of groans later, all men and women were sitting up (Himiko in a separate room, however, insisting someone would look and a frumpy Juubei glaring at anyone who tried to look at the shirtless Kazuki), half-naked.

"Why are we doing this? Why are we shirtless? _Why are we on the floor?_" Moaned Shido, and Madoka frowned.

"You slept in your clothes, and I don't want everyone smelling bad while they eat breakfast. So just sit still until your clothes are done."

Not half a second later, an arm was waving wildly in the air. "But I have to go to the _bathroom_!" Emishi cried.

Madoka sighed and pointed to the bathroom door.

Just like the night, it would be a long morning.

- - - -

Twenty minutes later, clothes were passed back out to everyone, and all the people in the room put them back on with a grimace. "Why in god's name are they _wet, _Madoka? They're _sopping wet._" Shido growled.

"Because we don't have time to dry them and it'd be even more money out of my pocket book." She snapped, in a very un-Madoka-ish way.

"But you're rich! And even Ban-chan can afford to dry our clothes!" Ginji cried, a very horrified look on his face, both hands pulling away the shirt from his abdomen as he tried not to let it's wetness touch his skin.

"Shut up all of you!" Ban cried, for whom was lying face down on the ground, a hand weakly waving away contact from him. Madoka silently wondered why no one had noticed him before– irritation waves seemed to be fuming off of him in a choking mist.

Madoka was glad Kazuki wasn't doing his impersonations anymore.

"Snake bastard, do you have to take off your bad mood on everybody else because you got so wasted last night you couldn't even–" Shido cut himself off, and blinked. "...Why are our clothes all so sparkly?"

Emishi, who'd had his fist in his mouth to prevent from laughing out loud in delight, let out a choked giggle that almost sound like a yell.

"Shut up, Emishi." Said Himiko.

They all began examining their clothes, horrified, fascinated, and just plain mad, before Madoka sighed and told the grumpy (and one hung-over) group to follow her.

- - - -

"What the hell happened to our clothes? Who the hell did this?"

"Yeah, what fucking idiot, no, what fucking douche bag put his glittery fucking shirt in the washer with the rest of our shirts?"

Many cries of outrage were heard, except by Emishi and Akabane– the latter of which miraculously had not one speck of glitter on him–. Oatmeal and fried eggs were promptly slammed down in front of each of them by various maids to shut them up, and peace resumed (or was found) for a small few minutes of relief.

Before Ban lazily scratched his head and flecks of glitter landed in his oatmeal bowl. "What the fuck is this?" he shouted, and tossed the bowl abruptly, to where which it landed on Himiko's face.

Ginji was sobbing dramatically and using his fingers to try and scrape out the glitter coated spots of oatmeal and Akabane was pleasantly scooping bites of eggs into his mouth, as the bowl on Himiko's face slid lower, lower, and smashed onto her thighs.

She screamed in rage.

"_Ban what the hell?!_" Ban immediately winced at her high pitched voice and yelled back for her to shut up, woman, he has a goddamn headache and she screamed at an even louder volume.

Shido pounded a fist down on the table in anger and everyone around him had their bowls tip over, oatmeal and eggs slipping into laps, on floors, and in one case, a delighted Mozart's mouth.

Meanwhile, Kazuki looked down at a glitter-coated spoonful of oatmeal and sighed before he ate it.

- - - -

"I'm sorry Ban, but it's for your own good." Said Kazuki, as Shido quickly locked the door for the room which they had shoved the hung-over Ban(-sama) after he had kicked the entire table over.

It had made Akabane look slightly mad, and no one wanted Akabane getting mad. It was just the rules of nature and everything.

Ban's screams of rage were heard all the way down the hall where they were walking down, back to the living room, and a distraught Ginji was calling back, "Is Ban-chan getting his period? Hevn-san said women get very angry when they have it!"

- - - -

Five minutes later, they all sat in the same spot in the living room, tapping their fingers boredly. Madoka sighed and decided to be the ice breaker again.

"Ginji would you mind running to the store for us? We needed to pick up milk anyway for the house and you might be able to find a game for all of us." Madoka said, handing Ginji her purse.

Ginji nodded happily, beaming, and slung the purse without skipping a beat over his shoulder.

They watched with a sick sort of fascination at the disturbing image, as Madoka's white purse swung merrily back and forth from where it was slung on Ginji, the man stopping only once at Ban's door to ask loudly through the wood, "Do you need tampons, Ban-chan? Hevn-san said that's what women use when they're on their period! I don't know what they are but I could ask the store clerk!"

"_Fucking no, Ginji! I do not need tampons!_" Was the more-than-angered reply, but Ginji hardly winced.

"Hevn-san said that on a woman's period, no means yes and yes means no! Don't worry, Ban-chan, I'll get you those tampons!"

Ginji dashed out of the house, ignoring Ban's mad cries, and everyone else sighed and shook their heads.

- - - -

Two hours later, when no one had come for him, an enraged Ban-chan finally smashed through the door where he was locked in and was met with no one home.

They'd left.

They'd l_eft him there. _

Locked in a room.

(On his 'period', according to Ginji.)

"_I'll fucking kill you!_" Ban screamed to the empty house.

Sitting at the park with ice cream and a grocery bag dangling on his wrist, Ginji sneezed. "Maybe this is a symptom of a period! Wai!"

The people walking past him couldn't even be bothered to look.

- - - -

Meanwhile, an as-usual apathetic Paul paused. "Where is everyone?"

Hevn looked up from her cup of coffee. "Oh, they're at Madoka's house."

Paul nodded, resumed whatever he was doing, before stopping again. "...Why?"

Hevn shrugged. "'Dunno."

- - - -

Ahh, happy dedication, sis.

Dedicated to: Robin Siskin (tentationem on LJ). Because you wanted this.

...-sigh- All I have to say is: Poor Madoka.

Poor, poor Madoka.


End file.
